Dot Dot Dot by P. Ribeiro & R. Baker

Copyright 1999

INTRODUCTION.

Black. Four flashes illuminate HARRY fighting, using office supplies. Silence.

PROLOGUE: 7:30 AM

The Office. It is in disarray. HARRY puts The Office in a new order.

HARRY: The Big Restructuring. Is over.
Not too long ago. We were cavepeople.
In Big Hot. Hunt food with rock. Fill belly. But then come. . .Big Cold. Sun go bye-bye. Brrr. Wet. Dark. You me scared. No food. Where food? Food go gone. You me like stick. You me almost go gone! Then, Big Hot again. Food lots. Fill belly. But me remember Big Cold. Me make place to keep warm. Keep me safe from Big Cold. "Box".
Big Cold come. Me warm. You no remember Big Cold? You cold. You no have box. You try take my box?. Box mine! Me make sharp stick. You make fat stick. "Tools". You me fight for box. You beat me. Ouch. Me beat you. Ha! You me make more tools. More and more and more. Tools to build boxes. Tools to destroy boxes. You say -

SAM: Pencils?

RUSS: Four boxes. Rulers?

SAM: Some.

RUSS: How many?

SAM: Eleven. Staplers?

RUSS: Staples?

SAM: Yes. Staplers?

RUSS: Yes. Three. How many staples?

SAM: Some. (beat.) Six boxes.

RUSS: You need a stapler. Give me five boxes of staples.

SAM: Five?! Two. And a pencil.

RUSS: Don't need it. Four boxes.

SAM: Two.

RUSS: No deal. Four. Take it or I walk.

RUSS and SAM exchange 1 stapler for 4 boxes of staples. They shake hands.

HARRY: This is our box. We call it the Office. These are our tools.
We call them -

The telephone rings -

RUSS+SAM: (Answering phones.) Office supplies. . . Right away.

HARRY: Things are going to get exciting. We have until 5:00 pm today to build for a better tomorrow. But whose tomorrow? Things are going to get exciting.

SCENE ONE: 8:59 AM.

HARRY: Are we ready to start?

RUSS and SAM nod.

HARRY: 9:00 AM. Time to punch in.

They punch in.

RUSS: Harry!?

Pause.

RUSS: You're fired.

SAM offers HARRY a twinkie. HARRY eats.

RUSS: Sam. Harry has to leave the Office.

SAM: I didn't fire Harry.

RUSS: He owes me, you owe me- that was a hostile takeover attempt- you didn't even try and help.

HARRY: The Big restructuring hurt everybody. Not just you. What's important is that we get The Office back on its feet.

RUSS: Harry. You must leave now.

HARRY: OK.

SAM: No, stay.

HARRY: OK.

SAM: Harry's fragile. He needs to get back to work.

HARRY: I want to get back to work. I want my neat piles of paper and staples. Just put me in the middle here - I don’t need a very big desk - I can be of help to The Office.

SAM: Think strategically. What has Harry demonstrated by the fact that he almost cleaned you out?

RUSS: Strength.

SAM: No. Cunning. Harry’s got a brain.

RUSS: I will remove him, with force if I have to.

SAM: I won't let that happen.

HARRY: The Big Restructuring is over.

RUSS: Fine.

SAM: Fine.

HARRY: Before we go any further I have to assure you all. You can trust me. That will never happen again.

SAM + RUSS: Fine. But you work for us.

SCENE TWO: 9:00 AM. COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

RUSS is situated LS, SAM is RS. SAM starts clinking his coffee cup with his pencil. After a moment RUSS begins clinking his cup with his pencil to a different beat. The two conflicting beats rise in volume. Eventually they come together into one beat, Queen's "We Will Rock You." All of this is simultaneous with HARRY's speech.

HARRY: It all begins and ends in the Office. It comes and goes. It's there. A box in the sky. A box. Four sides. . . No six. A square cubed. A box. A square. An angle squared. An angle. A line. A dot. A dot. A dotdotdot. Nothing.

Two phones ring simultaneously.

RUSS+SAM: Office Supplies. . . Uh huh, yeah sure. Right away.

They hang up the phones. In the same manner, they relax into their chairs.

RUSS+SAM: I just made a deal.

SAM: You know, we've been friends-

RUSS: And enemies-

RUSS+SAM: For a very long time.

RUSS: You like your mass-produced, conveniently packaged, non-perishable, processed food... stuffs.

SAM: Twinkies.

RUSS: On the other hand-

SAM: (Interrupting.) You like vodka.

RUSS: I'm not an alcoholic.

SAM: You'll never last in the big time that way.

RUSS: We both used to be small time-

SAM: Back in the days of wooden pencils-

RUSS: Chalkboard erasers-

SAM: Rulers-

RUSS: Paper-

SAM: Fountain pens-

RUSS: Abacuses.

SAM: Abacuses?

RUSS: We've left them all behind.

SAM: You and me. Racing ahead. To the finish.

RUSS: We've got staplers-

SAM: And staples.

RUSS: Mechanical pencils-

SAM: Typewriters!

RUSS+SAM: And now it's just you and me.

SAM: Us.

RUSS: We.

RUSS pulls out his bottle of vodka and two cups. RUSS and SAM meet at the filing cabinets, CS. RUSS pours a drink for each of them.

RUSS: To the common good.

SAM pulls out a Twinkie. He tears it in half.

SAM: To you and to me, and our dreams.

RUSS: Oh, no thanks.

SAM: Eat.

RUSS: No. Diet.

RUSS takes another drink of his vodka.

SAM: It's good. Eat the Twinkie.

RUSS: I don't eat the processed stuff.

HARRY: You don’t have to like the same things. We’re here to work.

SAM pulls out a ruler.

SAM: Would you rather eat a ruler sandwich?

HARRY: Sam, I think it would be better if you stayed on your side of the Office and Russ you stayed on yours.

RUSS: Fine. Don’t cross this line. (Drags his foot across the floor)

SAM: (Steps over line). This one?

RUSS: Please don’t cross it.

SAM: What? This line here?

RUSS: I told you not to come in here.

SAM: I told you to stay in there.

RUSS: That’s it! I’m getting out the chalk.

RUSS marches over to his desk and pulls out a piece of chalk. SAM then marches over to his desk and pulls out a piece of chalk.

RUSS+SAM: We can be diplomatic about this.

RUSS: We can be-

SAM: -reasonable. We can-

RUSS: -negotiate and-

SAM: -And co-exist peacefully.

RUSS+SAM: As long as you stay on your side of the Office! ( Beat.) Fucker!

With the chalk RUSS starts DS drawing a line down the middle of the Office. SAM starts US. They meet HARRY and try to write a chalk line down the middle of him, only to find that it does not work.

RUSS: My chalk isn’t good, is it?

SAM: Well press harder.

RUSS: No, I want my chalk back.

SAM: It’s my chalk. That’s yours.

RUSS: Yours? You never had any chalk to begin with. I gave you some.

SAM: When?

RUSS: Before the Big restructuring.

SAM: What are you alluding to?

RUSS: That’s my chalk!

SAM: The chalk doesn’t work!

HARRY: I’ve got masking tape.

SAM: Where’d you get that?

RUSS (To SAM): You mean it isn’t yours??

SAM grabs tape, and RUSS and SAM tape HARRY, right down the middle. Then they give the tape back to HARRY. SAM and RUSS sit at their desks.

SCENE THREE: 9:10 AM

RUSS and SAM at desks. HARRY enters with a big box and letters.

HARRY: Mail‘s here. But I got something to say first. It’s a big day. We’ve got plenty of supplies to sell. I know we’re going to do our best to sell as many supplies as possible. Just a want to mention a few things about office hygiene. Please try and keep and your general area tidy. Remember pencil shavings go in the garbage, Used paper goes in the appropriate recycling bin. Only drink from your own coffee mug and please, please always wash your hands after using the facilities. (Remember), were all responsible for the health and well-being of The Office. So here’s the mail- (I didn't get anything. . .) But Sam you got a telegram-

SAM: Read it to me.

HARRY: -and Russ you got this big box.

SAM: Read it!

RUSS takes box.

HARRY: (Reading.) Ahem. "Dear Sam. Stop. Use your brain. Stop".

SAM: Well what- did you- what does that mean?

RUSS opens box.

RUSS: You're just in time. I have an announcement to make everyone.

The chaos of today is born out of disorganization. We aren't on the same page. We can't even hold all the pages together. Once, these pages had an order, a beginning middle and end, together. Now, on their own, independent from any natural system, devoid of any context in which to frame the ideas, they are meaningless. Why? Our staples can't hold the pages together. The staples aren't big enough! Now we start anew. The Stapler XL. A stapler for all. For everything from conventional stapler use to heavy duty Office renovations. Staple invoices to receipts. Staple shelves to the wall! The Stapler XL does it all.

HARRY: I can see it now. It's quite exciting.

RUSS: And soon, we will have the capability to power it with the energy generated by the synaptic activity in your brain. No longer will you have to lift a finger to staple your paper. Think about it. Use your brain!

SAM: That was my idea. You stole that!

RUSS: I developed this idea. I manufactured it. I copyrighted it. I used my brain. I'll sell you one if you want. Wholesale.

SAM: No, no-. Good luck on this impressive launch. It's quite . . . impressive.

HARRY: Exciting! What colours do they come-?

SAM: Yes. Exciting. Although I have to say, I'm launching my own new product which, in function and design, makes this look. . . unimpressive. My product, in function and design, takes its user a step-, no, no-, a giant leap beyond.

HARRY: Sounds extraordinary.

RUSS: What do you call this supposed new product?

SAM: You'll see. Oh you'll see.

RUSS: Fine. See how you excel without the Stapler XL.

SAM: Fine. I've got something else I've got. I've got Harry.

RUSS: No you don't.

Pause.

RUSS+SAM: Harry!

HARRY: ?

RUSS+SAM: He's my secretary!

HARRY: Well, an argument could be made for both sides, but I'm somewhere in between.

RUSS and SAM tug of war HARRY. Both lose their grip and fall to the floor.

SCENE FOUR: 9:20 AM. THE DEMO.

RUSS tries to use the Stapler XL by himself. He fails. He is stumped. He gestures for HARRY to join him. HARRY does.
RUSS is demonstrating the Stapler XL to HARRY. SAM is trying to ignore them.

RUSS: Cooperation.

HARRY: Sam, you should really try this out. RUSS and I are stapling. Together.

SAM shakes his head.

RUSS: This really is better stapling.

HARRY: Sam, it works better when everyone's using it.

SAM: No.

RUSS: Free demo?

SAM: Never.

RUSS: In the end there will be no choice. You will use the Stapler XL.

HARRY: Why don’t we let the customers decide.

SCENE FIVE: 10:00 AM. THE VOLLEY.

RUSS and SAM sit HARRY down at his desk, CS. Both grab a piece a paper and a pencil and hand them to HARRY, so that he has to write with both hands.

RUSS+SAM: Take a memo.

RUSS and SAM address the audience.

RUSS: Regarding our Manifesto. SAM: Regarding my Mission Statement.

RUSS+SAM: There seem to be

RUSS: certain* individuals

SAM: certain groups

RUSS: wanting to destroy* the collective nature

SAM: stifling individual aspirations

RUSS+SAM: of the Office, as I now run it. Don't be fooled. The Office I control

RUSS: has been good for all of us. SAM: has been profitable.

RUSS+SAM: We must have

RUSS: Cooperation SAM: Competition

RUSS+SAM: if ever we are to realize our potential.

RUSS: One Big Desk.

SAM: OfficeBox.

RUSS: The Stapler XL is but the first in a line of many products to come that will help us achieve the aim of One Big Desk.

SAM: Top secret products that are in development as I speak are being developed in top secret. . . unleashing the OfficeBox. . .

RUSS: Really?

SAM: The papers - I can keep the papers together - I've got my own new - keep the pages together better than ever. With this, all new, bigger..., the better - a bigger paperclip! I've got a bigger paperclip.

RUSS: Nothing will surpass the advances made with the Stapler XL. Excel with the XL!

SAM: The Paperclip Plus. Designed to bring us one step closer to the OfficeBox.

RUSS: * We must have "Cooperation in One Office." To each according to his needs; from each according to his ability.

SAM: Through competition we realize our individual potential. Our destiny demands this dream. One office under God!

HARRY mutters the last words he has heard breathlessly.

SCENE SIX: 10:30 AM.

SAM approaches HARRY, confidentially.

SAM: Harry. We go back.

HARRY: Sir?

SAM: Hey! "Buddy".

HARRY: "Buddy"?

SAM: Why are you using the Stapler XL? It's clunky, it's ugly. I've got the Paperclip Plus coming.

HARRY: But you don't have anything now. I need to use something.

SAM: Ohhkay... Because you are a valued "chum" I'm getting you in on the ground floor. Here's a miniature prototype of the Paperclip Plus. Go with it.

SAM passes HARRY a paperclip.

SAM: What do you know about the Stapler XL?

HARRY: It's Russ's sir.

SAM: You've seen the blueprints. Know what I mean?

HARRY: I don't know.

SAM: But you've played with it!

HARRY: Did I?

SAM: How does it work?

RUSS: Rules and regulations govern, Sam. Proper channels, right forms, no greasing palms!

SAM: (To RUSS). You' re offside! Stay on your side. (covertly) Harry... The cat in the hat is in the bag. (pointing at RUSS).

HARRY: Excuse me.

SAM: Slink to the icebox. Take the Who's Feast. Take the Who pudding. Take the roast beast!

HARRY: I will not take the Who's feast. I will not take the roast beast. I will not take part in your scam. I will not let you trick me, Sam.

SAM: Listen, Buddy! This is it!. This is fu- this isn't funny you little - I know what you're I know, I - I know what's going on. Get me the fuckin’ blueprints, please? Please?!

RUSS: Harry doesn't have to answer to you.

SAM: Harry is mine.

RUSS: Harry stays Harry.

Pause.

RUSS: OK?

SAM:OK. I've got my desk-

RUSS: And I've got mine.

SAM: You've got a filing cabinet-

RUSS: And so do you. You know, I've always admired your ingenuity.

SAM: And you are one crafty guy.

SAM slumps into his chair.

SCENE SEVEN: 11:45 am.

SAM folds a paper airplane and throws it towards HARRY. RUSS enters.

HARRY: People what did I say about office hygiene?

RUSS: (RUSS notices the airplane and picks it up) What is this?

SAM: Don't know.

RUSS: You mean this isn't your handwriting? Your signature?

SAM: I don't know what you're talking about.

HARRY: That should be explanation enough. Into the recycling bin Russ.

RUSS: (Reads letter.) Hem-hem. "Harry. Plan is well under way. Russ is going down. Proceed." Signed "Sam". "P.S. Don't let Russ see this."

SAM: Who wrote that? Did one of you? You?

RUSS: Proceed with what?

SAM: He must have done it.

HARRY: What are you saying?

SAM: Shut up! I'm looking you in the eye.

RUSS: Your mistake is you don’t know where people stand.

SAM: Exactly what is your relationship with Harry?

RUSS: I didn't want Harry back in the Office in the first place.

HARRY: Its lunch time, let’s take a break.

SAM takes a Twinkie out of his desk and exits.

SCENE EIGHT: 11:50 AM.

RUSS: If someone calls, I've stepped out.

HARRY: Yes.

RUSS: On business.

Pause.

RUSS: Hold my calls.

HARRY: OK.

RUSS: Top secret. Very important business.

Silence.

RUSS: Under no circumstances can I divulge information this sensitive.

Beat.

RUSS: Sorry.

Beat.

RUSS: I've harnassed the power of the brain I don't know what to call it a- a- a "thought interface" maybe, you strap it to your head Harry and the stapler staples Harry, The stapler moves! Your brain moves it. We'll never have to work again. Our brains will do the work for us! I'm going to pick it up right now. Use your brain!

RUSS exits. RUSS enters.

RUSS: Don't tell anybody!

RUSS exits.

HARRY: I'll hold your calls.

SCENE NINE: 12:15 PM- SIESTA IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION

The lights are dim. The Office is empty."In the Hall of the Mountain Kings" by Edvard Grieg [from "Peer Gynt"] starts to play. SAM appears from hiding place and begins spying on RUSS's things. RUSS appears and notices SAM. RUSS spies on SAM's stuff. We see HARRY napping. RUSS and SAM meet in the middle. They court. They fall in love. They sell Office Supplies together. All this is choreographed to the music.

SAM and RUSS exit. Lights up. Music ends. HARRY wakes up.

HARRY: Hello...Hello? Is it lunchtime? Hello?

HARRY exits.

SCENE TEN: 1:00 pm

RUSS enters. He attaches a gizmo to the Stapler XL. RUSS exits. HARRY enters. SAM enters with a box of paper. SAM takes a handful of paper out of the box and hands it to HARRY.

SAM: Harry, could you possibly staple these sheets together for me?

HARRY: But they're blank.

SAM: Harry, how much does a ream of paper go for?

HARRY: A dollar?

SAM: Not this paper. Seventy-five cents. That's a twenty-five percent saving. Care to staple them for me, Harry?

HARRY tries to staple the paper with the Stapler XL. It cannot staple through the paper.

HARRY: The staple broke. It won't go through.

SAM: Exactly. From now on this is the paper the Office will use. Paper for the future. Staple-proof paper.

HARRY: But, staplers are handy.

SAM: Brainwashing! Paperclips are better. Listen, paperclips are cheap. Staples are cheap too but Staplers are pricy and they always break down! Between you and me this paper actually costs a lot. Twice as expensive as normal paper. But I'm selling it for cheap. Between you and me, I'm taking a loss on the paper. But that's OK. Because paperclips are cheap, cheaper than the Stapler XL. People will buy this paper, because I'm selling it for cheaper. they won't want to use the Stapler XL. They'll have to use the Paperclip Plus.

HARRY: That's crafty, but, staples. . . attach papers together. Paperclips only hold. It's just not the same.

SAM: It's better.

HARRY: It's worse.

SAM: It's cheaper.

Pause.

SAM: One Big Desk.

A desk that everyone shares. I just can’t …share. I can’t do that. I like my little desk. I like my little paperweight, with the snow in it. I like to shake it. I like my pen, my big pen with three different colours. I can choose red, or black or blue. Sometimes I take it apart, and I use all three. Sometimes I etch my name on the desk.

HARRY: That’s frowned upon.

SAM: Sometimes I put my head down on my desk, and fall asleep. Sometimes I drool, and the drool makes the ink etched in the desk run, so that when I wake up I’ve got red and black and blue all over my face, dripping off my chin. Sometimes I stretch out my elbows, far, so that there isn’t room for anyone except me. I like that best.
One Big Desk would ruin all that. Someone would shake my paperweight. They’d just shake it, shake it all up. They’d use my pen, or worse they’d just use one colour so that the colours run out at different times. Or they’d etch their name by mine with different coloured pens: green …and beige. They’d rub their stinking elbows against mine. Dammit they’d touch me! One Big Desk. A useless bastardisation of a perfectly good form.


It's like One Big Twinkie.
Right now all around us are millions of Twinkies everywhere and available. We can’t see them but we know that they’re there. And we know they are all exactly the same. “Spongy cake.” “Creamy filling.” “Always fresh.” Each one wrapped in crisp clean plastic. Strong and secure and safe.
SAM takes out a Twinkie and demonstrates. SAM opens the wrapper.
It's not gonna be that way with One Big Twinkie. You won’t wanna touch it. Who knows what’s been in there. A million little grubby hands, scratching and clawing for that delightful creaminess and cakeness …No it’s too special, too unique. It can’t be shared.

If that's what's coming then I'm going to go home and gut myself Harry, but first I'd like to resign. Harry, take a memo. I want to tender my letter of resignation.

HARRY: But Sam the Office needs you.

SAM: It's just a job. Just supplies.

HARRY: You feel cut out. But we don't have One Big Twinkie, yet. As long as you're here,

Harry sings to the tune of "99 bottles of beer":

I'm a twinkie
You're a twinkie
Russ is a twinkie, too.

If you take away your twinkie
Then there'll only be two.

If it's only Russ and me
I don't know what I'll do.
Cause soon there'll be One Big Twinkie
And I'll be out with you

Harry takes Sam’s Twinkie from his hand, has a bite then puts it back in Sam’s hand.

Your resignation would bring chaos.

SAM looks long and hard at the Twinkie in his hand.

SAM: Harry. Cancel the memo.

SCENE ELEVEN: 1:30 PM.

RUSS enters wearing a headset. He is in the audience.

RUSS: Picture this. Beautiful sunny day. Your favourite lawnchair. Spread before you, a platter of four types of berries and six types of cheese. And good meat. In your glass, a good stiff drink with a little extra kick. You are having the time of your life. What a vacation, right?
Wrong.
This is work. This is the future of work.
As you sit there enjoying yourself, papers are being stapled, memos are being sent and phone calls are being made.
How you ask? Who is doing the work for you?
Your brain.
Why should you do the work when you can get your brain to do the work for you?
By harnassing the power generated by the synaptic activity in your brain you can operate phones, typewriters, even staplers.

Until now, this resource has gone untapped. No more.
With this miraculous new technology, the "Thought Interface", we are finally able to conquer this limitless resource.
Free your body. Use your brain.
What I am proposing here is nothing short of an Office Revolution.
I now bring you the first step in this revolution.
Harry my good friend, who is using the Stapler XL at this moment?

HARRY: No one sir.

RUSS: That's right, Harry.

RUSS takes out a remote control and turns on the gizmo on the Stapler XL. Lights change. Music starts. RUSS begins concentrating very hard. Nothing happens.

RUSS: Oh, well there's no paper in there. Harry put some paper in there.

HARRY puts stapler-proof paper in the XL.

RUSS: Good, Harry. Thanks for the help. Sit back, watch and learn.

RUSS begins to slowly close his eyes as he speaks.

RUSS: We are witnessing the dawn of a new era. In my head I am visualizing the Stapler XL. The Stapler XL is stapling. The paper is being penetrated by the staples. Here we go.

RUSS grunts. Then he slowly opens his eyes.

RUSS: Presto!

Nothing has happened.

RUSS: OK people. I need some cooperation here. I'm getting brainwave interference. Don't think so much, people. Please. Don't let your brain use you. Use your brain. Now, I want every single one of us to clear our brains. On three, we will think of nothing. 1,2,3. OK. Good. We're not thinking anything. Now focus on stapling. Look at the Stapler XL. Visualize. See the staple pierce the paper. Focus people. If we all concentrate together we will staple the paper. OK.

RUSS closes his eyes and groans, then weeps. Nothing happens. SAM laughs.

HARRY: Back to the drawing board.

RUSS: No.

SAM: Good try.

RUSS approaches the Stapler XL and manually tries to staple the paper. He can’t. HARRY helps him. The staple splits.

RUSS looks at SAM

Pause

HARRY: I’m sorry I must have ordered the wrong paper. I’ll be sure never to order staple-proof paper again.

RUSS: staple-proof paper. . .

RUSS exits.

SCENE TWELVE: 1:45 PM.

RUSS enters, addresses his side of the Audience.

RUSS: First of all, anything I am about to say cannot leave this side of the Office. Okay? I just want to say, anything that's happened with my demonstration is completely my fault. I just want you to understand that I don't blame anyone else for what's taken place with regard to the launch of the STAPLER XL. The Facts speak for themselves: the XL is a quality, affordable product backed up my years of ethical research and through the development of rigorous standards. Now - I know many of us here bought cheap paper from Sam. Cheaper than regular paper. Strange. But this paper must have been costly, for it is staple-proof. I know that Sam isn't an underhanded fellow. I know that Sam wouldn't knowingly undervalue his product just to gain market share. Just so he could eventually put The XL out of business and form a monopoly. Knowing Sam the way I do and knowing him to be the ethical guy he is, I can only assume he's made a stupid blunder in his pricing strategy and I'm sure the regulatory authorities will feel the same way. Staple-proof paper isn't cheap, it's expensive. Twice as expensive as normal paper. But Sam sold it for cheap. And anyway. . . Right, uh-because the Stapler XL fails to staple the staple-proof paper, it no longer serves the people. And being the guy I am, I only wish to serve the people well. I am recalling the Stapler XL.
In it's place I present the Stapler XL 2. Staples even the most staple-proof paper.

The Stapler XL exits. The Stapler XL 2 enters. It is exactly the same as the Stapler XL except it has an orange bicycle flag. RUSS places his mug beside the Stapler XL 2.
RUSS concentrates very hard. The Stapler XL2 staples the papers.

RUSS: Use your brain!

SAM tears the stapler-proof paper and storms out.

RUSS: Feel free to use it whenever you like. May I remind you that people are working very hard to provide us with this amenity. If you have the means, please throw a little something in the cup. Thank you.

RUSS exits. Pause. RUSS pokes head in door. Approaches cup, looks in it. It is empty.

HARRY walks up to the headgear. He puts it on. Concentrates. The Stapler XL2 staples.

SCENE THIRTEEN: 2:00 PM

SAM, HARRY and RUSS. SAM and HARRY are in meeting. RUSS and HARRY are in a separate meeting. The lighting should suggest as such.

SAM: OK. Get to the point. How does Russ harness the power of the brain?

HARRY: It's not clear. Research suggests it is possible.

RUSS: I'm pulling ahead. He can't see it.

HARRY: He thinks you're falling behind. He will most likely continue to think so if that's the perceived impression.

SAM: I want to harness the power of the brain.

HARRY: Well...The way Russ is trying to conceive it, its a one-way exchange, but in theory if-

RUSS: I need your help.

HARRY: Perhaps Sam feels the same way.

RUSS: The curtain’s falling my friend. It’ll slice you in half. You must step to one side.

SAM: Could we use brainpower to run the Office?

HARRY: A Thought Interface is possible... but it's so expensive.

RUSS: You need to step to one side.

RUSS makes a line with his foot.

HARRY is speechless. Pause.

HARRY: You have nothing to worry about.

RUSS: Has Sam swayed you?

Pause.

SAM: Can Russ afford it?

HARRY: Without more funds...

RUSS: It's time. Choose one side.

SAM: It seems to cost more than it's worth.

HARRY: The danger is it could
soak the wallet, skin the fleece, throw you outta house and home
put you on the dole, dog without a bone,
high and dry and all alone
And dead broke.

SAM: If one of us went broke then the other would win.

Pause.

SAM: It's not about bigger, it's about more. And more and more and more and more …

SAM exits Office saying lines. HARRY and RUSS alone.

RUSS: Glad to have you aboard. It’s time.

HARRY: I want to know how the Thought Interface...

RUSS pulls a string suspended from the ceiling. The Stapler XL2 staples.

HARRY: It's a diversion.

RUSS: This is what we do. Plan B. (Passes Harry a manila envelope.) Open it. (HARRY pulls a folded piece of paper out of the envelope.)

HARRY: Plan B?

RUSS: Plan B.

HARRY: It's blank.

RUSS: Is it?

Pause.

HARRY: Is it encoded-

RUSS: -in the paper? No. Use your brain.

HARRY: Is this a game?

RUSS: Is it?

Russ places the folded paper on its side so it resembles an office cubicle.

RUSS: The essence is the form. I realised a little while ago that I was trying to harness the power of the brain-

HARRY: -and how do you harness the power of the brain?

RUSS: Through chips and wires. And lots of stuff. But it's much more simple than that.
The body and the mind are the same.
When we contain the body, we harness the brain.

HARRY: If you take a box, it can be used to contain.

RUSS: And everyone stands equal to gain.

HARRY: And Sam?

RUSS: He'll be no more than you. Or me. And once we have Plan B in place …Soon we will all share One Big Desk.

RUSS hands HARRY the envelope with the folded paper inside.
Lights up on SAM. Lights out on RUSS.

HARRY: OfficeBox.

SCENE FOURTEEN: 2:20 PM

SAM (offstage): and more and more and more and more.

SAM enters, addresses his side of the Audience. He has an easel and paper set up.

SAM: First of all, I have to tell you a secret. If you can't keep a secret, cover your ears. This won't be pretty. Good. In tough times a leader is called on to make tough choices. The right thing to do isn't always the popular thing. Many times in life, the right thing to do is the least popular choice, even the hardest choice and that is why, the burden of being a leader can only be borne by a few individuals who aren't afraid to challenge the dominant paradigm. Times have changed. Now is the time for a complete paradigm shift in how we do business. Due to recent advances in conventional stapler technology, the Paperclip Plus and the staple-proof paper have become obsolete. I understand many of us here have invested much time and energy into these projects, but it is in everyone's best interest to cut our losses. They have failed us. No need to be alarmed. I have a contingency plan.

SAM places a pie graph on the easel. One tiny slice of the pie is labelled SAM, the rest is labelled RUSS.

SAM: As we can see here, Russ currently controls a slightly greater share of the marketplace. Russ's level of market capitalization has been impressive.

SAM places a picture of RUSS and the Stapler XL2 on the easel.

SAM: This is the reason why. The Stapler XL2. If unchecked, Russ could soon have a monopoly. No doubt he is counting on this. That's his weakness.

SAM places a picture with many staplers on the easel.

SAM: Until now, we have relied on massive capital expenditures for mega-projects. In short, we've tried to build a better mousetrap. But we aren't going to catch these mice with a bigger better mousetrap, we're going to catch them with lots of mousetraps - micetraps? - mousetraps.

SAM places a picture on the easel of staplers surrounding the Stapler XL2.

SAM: The latest in contemporary designs. Sleek, effective, The modern stapler is portable. It's not clunky. It's accurate. It's cheap. And it's personal. Available in an array of different colours and sizes. Designed to fit your individual needs. This is our new direction. The market will decide for themselves and at the end of the day we will see that people won't really want One Giant Stapler. Not when they could have one of their own. By launching a fleet of staplers our profits will skyrocket. By the end of the day, our staplers will proliferate all corners of the Office. Thanks for your time.

SCENE FIFTEEN: 2:25 PM.

HARRY is sleeping on his desk. The lights are dim. Lionel Hampton + Benny Goodman's "Flying Home" plays.
Enter SAM. SAM carries a sack over his shoulder like Santa Claus. The bag is full of staplers which SAM places all over the theatre including the Office.
HARRY wakes up. There is a stapler in his eyeline. HARRY is enticed by the stapler. SAM performs his ritual dance to make HARRY more enticed. It works. HARRY approaches and asks the stapler for a dance. The stapler accepts. They dance.
SAM joins in. They all fall in love. This is all choreographed to the music.
Music fades. Lights up. SAM is gone.
HARRY wakes up. There is a stapler in his eyeline.

SCENE SIXTEEN: 2:35 PM

HARRY begins shooting his stapler as if he was firing missiles. He makes the sound of bombs dropping, quietly at first and then louder.

RUSS: Where the hell did you get that?

HARRY: It's like a mini Stapler XL 2.

RUSS: What's wrong with the regular sized XL 2?

SAM: Leave him alone.

HARRY: I'm running low on staples.

SAM: I have some.

RUSS: So this is the side you picked.

HARRY: No. I'm just being-

SAM: If you can have a stapler then he can have one too.

RUSS: We already share one.

SAM gives HARRY a box of staples and returns to his desk.

RUSS has a ruler, with which he tries to hit HARRY, who guards himself with an envelope.

SAM crosses to HARRY with a stapler.

RUSS: Don't you dare.

SAM: Out of my way.

RUSS empties a three hole punch over HARRY's head.

RUSS: You or him.

SAM holds the stapler like a weapon.

SAM: I'll do it.

RUSS and SAM in a standoff.

HARRY: Summit time.

RUSS and SAM meet at the filing cabinets.

SAM: You know Russ, your taste in ties lately has frankly impressed me.

RUSS: I have a tailor do them. He does good work.

SAM: Good.

RUSS: Well, good. Sam, I'm rolling out good new stock.

SAM: So am I. Good stuff. A little software. A little hardware.

RUSS: Good. What kind?

SAM: The "goodies."

RUSS: Good. (Beat.) Let's get down to work. First issue: Neither of us can afford to add tension to the room right now.

SAM: Yes I propose we lay off for a little while.

RUSS: What goes? You first.

SAM: The Thought Interface.

RUSS: Never... We have harnessed the brain!

SAM: Thought Interface or no deal.

RUSS: Okay.

Pause.

RUSS: I'll suspend development if you do so for the staple-proof paper.

SAM: How did you know about that?

RUSS: Use your brain, Sam. Do we have a deal?

SAM: That paper was not cheap.

RUSS: Then you lose! No deal.

SAM: Agreed. And research?

RUSS: Not on the table. OK. My turn.

SAM: No. It's my turn. My staple-proof paper for your Stapler XL. Agreed? Now it's my turn again.

RUSS: -Hold on. You can take your turn first, next time we meet.

SAM + RUSS: Agreed!

They shake hands. SAM crosses to his desk. RUSS crosses to HARRY.

RUSS: Cooperation Harry. Together, we can smash his Officebox, and build a glorious One Big Desk atop the ruins. But alone …you go it alone …you will live in a box of my own design.

SCENE SEVENTEEN: 3:15 PM

HARRY: I live in a box of my own design. Two lines, joined and reflected.
A solid contained by six equal squares. Contents are restrained from movement, unchanging and held still. Balance. Every angle has its place. You can turn 180 degrees and still have a place. But If you take away one line you change the angles, change the balance. A Big restructuring. That will not happen again.

Something that’ll interest you.

HARRY hands SAM Plan B.

SAM: Thought Interface?

HARRY: No. Plan B.

HARRY exits. SAM can’t decode it. Finally, exhausted, SAM folds the paper and discovers it is a cubicle. He folds two more pieces of paper to make three cubicles. SAM realizes it is the OfficeBox.

SCENE EIGHTEEN: 3:20 pm.

The Auction begins. SAM approaches audience with staplers. One stapler is on display with a light shining on it. Lines can be ad-libbed.

SAM: What a beauty. Do I hear two dollars? Two dollars to the little girl in the white hood. Do I hear four? Man in the corner. Six? You ma'am in the front. Ten? Ten. Twelve? Twel- Thirty!? Thirty dollars to this person right here. Going once going twice sold to you.

SAM gives an audience member a stapler and shakes their hand.

SAM: You owe me thirty dollars now. Don't pay me right now, I'm in the middle of something big here, pay me afterwards. Come find me after the show. I'll be in my trailer. Pay me my thirty dollars. I mean it.

SAM leans over to the next audience member.

SAM: Sell you one for twenty-six? Sold. But you gotta pay me now. Yes I take credit.

SAM gives the audience member a stapler.

SAM: Next up for grabs, a fleet of staplers. A stapler for every finger. A stapler for every toe. With this many staplers, who knows where you'll go. Do I hear sixty-nine? Yes I got-seventy! Do I hear sev-One hundred! One hundred to this fabulous person over here. One hundred and one to the redhead. It's always nice to see a redhead in the audien-Eight hundred Billion!! My goodness. Going once twice sold to you. Use your power wisely. See you after the show. You better have that eight hundred billion on you.
Good. Now I've got some creditors. Thank you for investing in the OfficeBox.

SAM gives away a stapler as he exits.

SCENE NINETEEN: 3:30 PM

RUSS enters. Surveys his side of the Office, including audience. Notices SAM's staplers on his side of the Office and removes them, including the ones in the audience on his side. SAM enters.

RUSS: I removed your staplers from my side. Had them melted into one big Stapler XL2.

SAM: You're messing with my supplies.

RUSS: We can't let everyone have their own stapler. The effects would be uncontrollable.

SAM: You're trying to wash our brains with the Thought Interface.

RUSS: Nonsense. I’m trying to make everyone work together.

SAM: And what else? One Big Twinkie? Never.

RUSS: That's it. I'm getting out the tape.

SAM: Oh no you don't.

RUSS: Yes I do.

SAM: Not before me.

SCENE TWENTY. 3:40 PM.

RUSS and SAM, elbowing each other, tape the Audience down the middle as HARRY speaks.

HARRY: Once there was a dot. A long time ago. Before that, there was nothing.
The dot had nothing else, didn't know what to want, didn't know. So it didn't do anything. For a long time, it did nothing.
Then it moved.
When it moved it left an impression.
When it moved a great distance it left the impression of a line.
A line of little dots. New born dots in single file.
Just dots.
Then they moved, leaving their own impressions.
More dots.
New born lines.
Gradually, new born lines formed shapes.
Curves and lines, Circles.
An unbroken sequence of reciprocal cause and effect.
Huts.

Perched on the perimeter, some dots moved again.
Lines formed corners
then triangles.
Two corners at base.
One corner on top.
Pyramids.

Dots joined, pulled in close, slowed down.
Hummed.
4 sides in 2d.
6 in 3d.
Box.
Stable geometry. The Office.

We've gone back to that dot. We rolled it in our fingers, we've studied it.
And what have we discovered?
What we thought was a circle was really a square.
Technology has shown us
that grain of salt, that granule of sand, that dot has corners.
The cell of life is a box, containing all the ingredients of life.
A box. It all began with a box, a little dot.
One of us might be the original dot.
The rest are the impression.

Pause.

SAM: We can be-

RUSS: Cooperative

SAM: Open and

RUSS: And we can-

SAM: Be prosperous.

RUSS: Be partners.

RUSS+SAM: As long as you stay on your side of the Office!

SCENE TWENTY ONE: 3:45 PM. HAIRY CRACKS

SAM: Yes, patch me through. . . He handles my accounts.

RUSS: Yes, I have a favour again... Things are taking longer than I thought.

SAM + RUSS: I need everything rediverted to my operating budget...

RUSS: ... I can come up with that...

SAM: ... come on. Please. It's now or never...

RUSS: ... but there's still the bonds. We can do with the bonds...

SAM: ...not that simple ... I'm almost there.

RUSS: ... you'll be thankful, when...

SAM: ... and it all just blows over.

SAM+RUSS: Trust me.

SAM: Trust is a lost cause.

RUSS+SAM: Harry! Take a memo.

SAM: It's

RUSS: time

SAM: to

RUSS: take

RUSS+SAM: a Memo!

HARRY: . . . Memo. Memo, memo, memo. . .

SAM + RUSS: Confidential! A decision has been made to cut other department funding in favour of an increase to your department. Your department is called upon to work at maximum capacity.

The frantic note-taking cracks HARRY'S worklike demeanour.

HARRY: Needing a slow down, sirs, soon, I'm wanting a catch up.

SAM: What are you conniving about

RUSS: - this may not be pleasant

RUSS+SAM: But it sure as hell ain't boring.

HARRY: Okay -just, give me a second to -okay..., No. No, I'm not okay.

Pause.

RUSS: I resume.

SAM: Now it's time.

Throughout the following, HARRY's left hand notices what the right hand is doing. The left hand reads the right hands writing and helps the right hand.

SAM: (simultaneously.) Be proud to run efficiently, folks. Let's see it. Hear it. Taste it. Touch it. Feel it. Put your nose to the grindstone and when you finally come around and smell that the coffee is burning somewhere around here, you'll know that's just what you gotta do.

RUSS: (simultaneously.) The key will be efficiency, friends. Every detail. No stone unturned, nothing overlooked. Every sound. Every shadow. Every smudge. Every breath. Every odour. Every - What the hell is going on with you?

HARRY: Russ! Plan B is OfficeBox.

HARRY, writing furiously, experiences what he believes is a heart attack, but is really a stroke.

HARRY: I'm bleeding inside.

HARRY falls. SAM and RUSS both offer help. SAM slaps away RUSS'S hand. HARRY can't feel anything on RUSS's side. (HARRY's left side.)

RUSS: Listen to my voice. What do you mean about Plan B? HARRY doesn't answer. Do you feel pain?

SAM: Help's on the way.

RUSS: Can we move you?

SAM: Can you be moved?

HARRY: Yes. Gently, please.

SAM and RUSS carry HARRY out. SAM resumes work. RUSS looks out the door, then at HARRY’s desk.

SCENE TWENTY TWO
RUSS brings some papers from his desk to the Stapler XL2. He tries to staple them, but he can’t operate it by himself, no matter how hard he tries. Lights fade.

SCENE TWENTY THREE: 4:05 PM. TEA TIME

RUSS pulls out his bottle of vodka.

RUSS: Here's to you mother. I've almost won.

He opens it, drinks some. Lights change. The voice of HARRY's ghost addresses RUSS. SAM is seen dimly at his desk, working hard.

HARRY: What was beyond the grasp of imagination yesterday has already happened today.

RUSS freaks out, believing the voice is coming from the bottle. When he picks up the bottle the voice ceases. He puts it down then picks it up again. He drinks.

RUSS: This isn't helping.

HARRY: Cowboys on computer chip stallions free to roam, conquering almost limitless wild wests. Almost limitless.

RUSS consumes furiously. RUSS leaves the empty vodka bottle by the Stapler XL 2. Silence. RUSS begins to pass out.

HARRY: The bulk of humanity? Compartmentalized, separated and organized. Privacy? Obsolete. Populism? Withers. Culture? From the top down. Imagination? Extracted from periphery, processed in centre. Meaningfulness? Meaninglessness.

RUSS is unconscious. Lights change.

SAM: And you're lunchmeat!

RUSS wakes up.

RUSS: What?

SCENE Twenty Four: 4:15 PM.

SAM: So. . . Someone really polished that off.

RUSS: Suppose so.

SAM: Someone must be pretty drunk.

RUSS: I can't believe someone stole my mother's vodka.

HARRY enters. He has a crutch for the side of the body that's dead, on RUSS'S side of the Office. He has weights on his good arm and leg to improve his strength. He watches SAM.

HARRY(to SAM): Who are you talking to?

RUSS: Harry! What a trooper. Look at you. Business as usual.

HARRY:(to SAM) Can I get you anything sir? A coffee, or an ice cold beverage?

SAM: No, no. Proceed.

RUSS(to SAM, quietly.): Is he retarded or what?

HARRY: This world can give you anything. As long as you want it to.

RUSS goes to his desk.

SAM: You can take off as much time as you want. I'm taking care of it.

HARRY: But I'm on your side.

SAM: You just had a stroke.

HARRY: I want my faxes and nice stationary and filing cabinets and stapling machines and paper shredders and thumbtacks.

SAM: Rest assured. You will.

SCENE TWENTY FIVE: 4:30 pm.

SAM and RUSS are in the middle of a meeting. HARRY watches.

RUSS: . . .Ok now it's my turn.

SAM: No it's my turn again.

RUSS: No it's not. Maybe Harry should get a turn.

HARRY: What?

SAM: Great idea. Harry can I have your turn, please?

HARRY: Sure.

SAM: Thanks. Next item on the agenda. It has come to my attention that there are rumours circulating about Russ.

RUSS: What?

SAM: To be honest, Russ is not in the best of shape. But he isn't down for the count. Not yet, right Russboy!

RUSS: What they are saying is true. The technologies have been stolen. Copies of the blueprints are missing.

SAM: Russ may be weakening but to say he's weak would be foolish. No. But the root of Russ's problems stem from slanderous sabotage. Here, just now, Russ was about to drink his vodka and discovered that someone had drank it already.

RUSS: Actually it's my mother's vodka.

SAM: There is a thief among us. Keep an eye out. Fine. Next item on the agenda.

RUSS: You see she has a condition you see.

SAM: Ladies and gentlemen, I am very proud to announce the next wave in office supplies. I give you the OfficeBox.

Cubicles surround the 3 desks onstage.

SAM: Grab a box. Grab an OfficeBox.

RUSS: That was my idea. You stole that.

SAM: You should have used your brain Russ.

RUSS (to HARRY): What am I supposed to do now? (Pause.) Well?

SAM: You did this to Harry. It's your mess.

RUSS: I put everything into this. Sam, it has always been great to work with you, you really do some fine work. I must confess I am impressed with your products. I hope you appreciate where I am coming from. I only wanted to make the best possible alternative and I though that the time was ripe for a new possibility. Perhaps the people are not ready

Pause.

I am calling it quits.

SAM: But it's just a leave of absence.

RUSS: Of course. Thanks everyone. Bye.

RUSS exits. HARRY experiences a mindfuck.

SAM: I won. I did it.

HARRY: Didn't spill a drop...

SAM: Everyone back to work!

HARRY: A new day deserves a new deal. Like profit sharing.

SAM: I don't believe in profit sharing. I believe in making profits.

HARRY: You don't own the Office.

SAM: I am the Office. I bought it. I am its four walls, it’s floor. I am it’s ceiling. This is all you need to know. It’s almost 5 o clock. After work I will leave this place. I will go home. To my box. Just like you. I’ll eat dinner. TV dinner. From a box. Just like you. You do not need to understand why. That’s for me to know. You think I’m heartless because I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. You’re right. I keep my heart in a box.
Count yourselves lucky someone is looking out for everyone's welfare.

HARRY disappears behind cubicles. SAM slowly disappears behind his cubicle.


SCENE TWENTY SIX: 5:15 pm.

RUSS pokes his head through the door.

RUSS: Knock-knock.

SAM: Lotsa work to do. OfficeBox will be in great demand. If you want to work, I'll take you back. If not, get out, OK?

Pause.

RUSS: Look. Over there. Do you see it? There it is. The pasture. The rolling hills. Oh and who's that? Why it's a cow. A graceful cow in the glory of its youth. Its nimble hooves press into the topsoil. Its moist nostrils tremble against the dew of the morning grass. Roam free noble creature. Wait a second... they're caging her. Feeding her things that change her. She can't make milk anymore, or she makes too much milk. Feeding her poison to make her 'better'. No! Cow becomes beef. Formed into the patty she's most useful as. Put into a box, like 5 billion other patties. Chewed up digested shit out like 5 billion other patties. And you know what? We don't even enjoy her. How can you enjoy a life in a box?

SAM: Right yes I see your graceful cow in its nimble . . .moistness. What's keeping that cow safe on the pasture? A fence. A giant multi-hectared wood and wire box. Take that away and what happens? A nimbler, more graceful pack of wolves eats your noble creature. Cows all dead. No milk. No beef. But that cow made a deal with us a long time ago. We put up a fence, cow gives us milk. We give it security and food, then we kill it for beef. It all works out. We're mutually dependent on the box. That's progress.

RUSS: It's gone too far.

SAM: It hasn't gone far enough. stay or go.

RUSS: It is true that progress is precious. So precious that it must be rationed.

SAM: I agree. Look at you, you're drunk.

HARRY peers over cubicle wall.

SAM: I have work to do. Have a Twinkie.

SAM takes a Twinkie out of his drawer and throws it to RUSS.

SAM: Congratulations, Russ. You're back in business. But this is all mine. Grab a box. Grab an OfficeBox.

RUSS+ SAM + HARRY: Back to work!

Pause. RUSS takes a seat in his cubicle. He throws the Twinkie at HARRY.

SCENE TWENTY SEVEN: 5:45 pm.

HARRY: This isn't my box. This is a lean-to.

SAM: You wanted to say something?

HARRY: Yes. (Pause)

SAM: Well?

RUSS: Leave him alone.

SAM: Get back in your Officebox.

HARRY picks up pencil, held like a weapon and moves away from the cubicles.
Sam picks up a ruler and stands SL of HARRY. RUSS sits down.

SAM: Put that fuckin' thing down!

HARRY: I don’t have to.

SAM: Don't be stupid.

RUSS grabs a stapler and stands SR of HARRY facing SAM.

RUSS: Summit time!

HARRY: It’s too late for that.

Slow fade to black.

SAM: None of you should have one of those.

HARRY: This isn’t an Office. It’s a coffin with training wheels.

SAM: That’s enough! (Raises his ruler at HARRY.)

RUSS pulls his stapler on SAM.

RUSS: Changed my mind. I'm taking the Office.

SAM pulls his ruler on RUSS.

HARRY: I was wrong, Everyone out of the box! Get out!

SAM: This is my office! What do you have to complain about?

Black. During last speech we see four flashes of HARRY fighting, using office supplies.

SAM: You think this solves anything?! (He points his ruler at his temple.) What makes any of you think it gets any better than this? You have jobs. You don't starve. Is this how you show your appreciation? We're in a good position here folks. Let's be civilized. It's just a job. What do you have to complain about?

END.